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Letter to Headmistress McGonagall

Minerva McGonagall
Back Seat
Toyota Highlander
Des Moines, Iowa

Headmistress McGonagall,

When I was hired by Hogwarts to investigate Professor Sprout's missing Persnicketty Pea-Popper, it was understood that the driving would be shared among the individuals who invited themselves along for the investigation  are sitting in the backseat more pickled than Hogshead Pickled Bat Wings who are too paranoid to let me conduct the investigation on my own are sharing Muggle transport.

While Pomona's near-sightedness prevents her from driving, there is nothing except approximately twelve bottles of Firewhisky keeping you and Madam Weasley from driving. Your backgrounds and familiarity with Muggle technology are not precisely the most well-kept secret. 

I have been driving for three days. If finding this damned plant is so very important, then you'll see that you're sober fit enough to take the wheel tomorrow.

Pansy Perdita Parkinson, Plant Crime Scene Investigor

Note To Kingsley

While I don’t apologise for the headache you are no doubt nursing, I do for skipping out so early this morning. Thank you for your hard-won info last night – it was fun to earn, you filthy, wild stallion. When I return, I hope we continue to, ah, further our ‘working relationship.’ Yes, return, as by the time you receive this, I’ll already be out of the country following up on your ‘leads.’ Call it a trifle, but that missing pecker plant is only a small part of a larger picture, I’m sure of it.

p.s. Forgive my exuberance last night. I’m sure the swelling will go down before lunch.



Note to Molly

Who the Hell Taught Pansy Parkinson to drive?

I mean, honestly, Molly.  Wasn't she one of the Pureblood Traditionalists?  It's bad enough that her uncle donated that damned plant to Hogwarts in the first place.  But then he got his Trustee friend to insist we hire HER to locate it.

Whoever heard of a Plant Detective, anyway?

Look at them up there.  She and Pomona are thick as thieves.  I expected better of Pomona. 

I think she's trying to humiliate us.  Insisting that we're too tipsy to drive, merely because we emptied several of those teensy little bottles on the aeroplane. 

I cannot wait to locate the plant, Peeves, and your ghoul so that we might return to Hogwarts as quicky as possible.

I'm so sad that we won't be able to meet up with Dicky and Annie and the rest of our friends, but under no circumstances would I subject them to Miss Parkinson.

Note to self

Dratted laws of dratted secrecy. This suitcase is so huge and heavy. Wish I could just shrink it. Hope Minnie's hired a big car.


Dear Colleagues,

Hogwarts Regulation 1653.47.28 states that no student or member of staff may read or interfere with the private communications of the headmaster or headmistress.  Potential punishment for such an action ranges from the docking of pay to outright dismissal.

While I will concede, Severus, that the Founders did not envision e-mail when they drafted the above regulation, the simple fact is that any communication marked "Confidential" does fall under the above regulation.  You both not only have apparently shacked my e-mail account, but then you had the nerve to comment.

Were I a less merciful headmistress, you would both be packing your trunks right now.

As things stand now, though, I am placing you on warning.  There will be no further interference with my private posts.  Your mutual separate detentions will continue until such time as you each (and both) show that you are prepared to comport yourself in a professional and adult fashion while on the premises of and while employed by Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Severus, this means that if you are disturbed by Floo noises, you should cast a Silencing Charm on your Floo OR don those lovely chartreuse fur earmuffs Albus gave you for Christmas in 1989. 

Hermione, the House-Elves are prepared to fetch and carry for you while you are serving your Detention.  If you are too high-minded to allow them to go to the Library for you, then it is you who will suffer. 

Remember, it is the puerile behaviour of both of you that has landed you in this particular spot. 

Living in the (probably vain) hope that you will emerge from detention having learned your lesson,

Affectionately yours,


P.S.  Severus, if you have any words of wisdom on how to handle one Miss Pansy Parkinson, I would be glad to hear them.

Note to Molly


Fly safely.  Peeves is a terror, but he is no match for you!

All my love,

p.s.  Did you by chance take that Yorkie bar with you I had tucked in the back of my sock drawer?  Not a worry if you did.  I just had an urge.  Miss you!
Oh, Arthur! Sorry to be in such a rush! I just found out where our dear Ghoul went!

(Note to self: garden gnomes are really very observant. I never knew that. Also they are Slytherins - they bargained for a homeland in the cabbage patch against information.)

Peeves kidnapped him! I can't believe it, Arthur! That rotten poltergeist stole our poor Ghoul! I had no idea that Peeves still held such a grudge for what we did to him in our seventh year, Arthur - though he thoroughly deserved it.

Anyway, apparently, Peeves just swooped in, cackling and weaving around, banging into walls, grabbed the poor Ghoul by the big toe without so much as a by-your-leave, and vanished with him!

Apparently, Peeves has now absconded completely from Hogwarts - taking our Ghoul with him - and Minerva has gone in hot pursuit. We can't let Peeves loose on the world, and I can't bear to think of what he's doing to the poor, dear Ghoul. Besides which, you know what Minerva is like when she gets free of Hogwarts. Great Nimue - she might even take it upon herself to drive...

Well, the upshot is, I feel I have to go and lend a hand in recapturing Peeves (I did it once; I can do it again) and keeping Minnie in check. I've chucked a few things into a bag with some knitting, and I'll keep you posted. DO make sure you eat properly, and remember, the gnomes are allowed in the cabbage patch.

Love you, Arthur. XXXXXXX
By the time you read this, I shall be gone.

Or, more properly we shall be gone.

Pomona and I are on a vitally important secret mission for the School. I need you to step forward and manage all the school affairs while I am away. Neville Longbottom has been contacted and he will arrive in the morning to fill in for Pomona.

Severus and Hermione are still "in detention" - they are still confined to quarters and may not leave their rooms save for traveling directly to and from their classrooms. The House-Elves have been instructed to serve them all their meals in their rooms. Sadly, we cannot restrict their internet access without cutting off the entire school..

I shall contact you later with more details. Be well, my dear friend, and thank you for your assistance.

20 Sept. 2011: Raven to Molly (redirected)

Dearest Molly,

That silly raven must have been drunk (again).  I clearly told it where to take this post.  He promised to send ot right this time.  (I assume that was a promise and not an attempt to peck my eyes out.)

Oh, my!  I thought those were my sandwiches in that paper bag!  Where
did the garden gnomes learn such language?  I shall bring them home
tonight, if they haven't found a way to get out by then.  (The raven
refuses to take them with this missive.   Can't say I blame him.)

decided that, as I was sandwich-less and that awful woman was indeed
lurking in the mezzanine, we would go to a Scots establishment for a Big
Mick.  He swears by their cooking, even though it appears to be done by
a large clown.  I rather like the crisps, myself, but it hardly
compares to your skills in the kitchen.  Including your cooking.

is amusing to watch him avoid RS, in the same way we enjoy watching
Hermione at the annual Victory Ball.  Now that Ronald is settled with
his growing brood, I am quite intrigued as I watch her in full denial
about the perfect wizard for her, right in front of her nose.  (I still
blush when it comes to noses, though, after that little conversation you
told me about with Minerva regarding the size of One Nose In
Particular!  Oh, my dear!  You are a naughty girl indeed.  And how I
love you for it!)

But I digress....  Having watched Hermione in
denial all this time (and Severus is, I agree, even worse), I wonder now
about Kingsley.  He gets just as hot under the collar whenever the
Skeeter woman is so much as mentioned.  Honestly, the lot of them simply
need a thorough shagging.

All my love,

blig is for your eyes only, by the way--Severus in particular seems to
have no sense of humor, and I am nearly out of that Anti-Hex Creme you
gave me for Christmas.

20th September 2011: raven to Arthur

Arthur, dear, you left your sandwiches at home.

I do hope that doesn't mean you're off for another lunch with Kingsley. You know how you suffer from wind after he takes you to those awful cheap Muggle places. I know he's just trying to avoid the Skeeter woman, but you really should have a care for your digestion.

Arthur, you didn't say anything to anyone about Minerva and me thinking about a little jaunt together, did you? There are rumours flying everywhere, and Pomona's started behaving like a badger with a sore head, all over some mythical plant only she can see.

You don't suppose she's related to the Lovegoods, do you?

Oh, well, I'd better go and de-gnome the garden, I suppose. It's not nearly as much fun as hexing Dark wizards, but it'll have to do.